As woman of the house it is a blessing and a curse to know where everything is. Especially when you have a boyfriend like mine, who never knows where anything is…

There isn’t a day that passes I don’t hear him frantically ask the air, “where are my keys!?” … “where are my glasses?!” or the one I dread the most, “where is my phone!?” ..If his head wasn’t attached to his neck, he’d no doubt lose that, too!

Me? I know where everything is. And I refuse to help him.

First of all? I was taught to look with my eyes. Second? I put things back where I found them. So, I purposely stay out of whatever quest it is he is searching for at that moment, mostly because whatever it is? Is in his hand, on his head, or in his pocket.

Over the holiday weekend we took a mini road trip, and on our way back—no more than 20 minutes from our house we stopped for gas. I had been driving and my boyfriend was quietly sitting in the passenger seat playing a game on his phone. He kept his head down mostly, intently concentrating on clearly a very important iPhone game. Every now and then he would look up to offer some backseat driving advice, but I hardly paid any attention to that.

I pull in to the gas station and as I situated the car next to the gas pump, he jumped out to fill the tank. Enjoying the break, I began to peacefully play on my phone; checking emails, twitter updates, etc. when all of a sudden I hear expletives followed by some banging. I look over to see what he is fussing about, and it appears that the gas pump isn’t working. No biggie. I whip it around to the other side for a second attempt as instructed.

Okay. We’re good.

After setting everything up, locking the pump in place etc. I once again hear some expletives as he makes his way around to the passenger side. I start to get irritated because clearly he is in a mood and wants the world to know. He starts moving things, and shifting random objects around in the car, opening and closing doors, and finally asks me, “Do you know where my phone is?”

Shocker.

My boyfriend loses his phone 348 times A DAY. And at this moment? I’m REALLY starting to wonder if purchasing the iPhone 4 was a good idea.

I make the obvious remark that it was just in his hands for four hours straight while he played his game, and suggested to retrace his steps. No sympathy.

My question is: How in the world could he have LOST his phone between sitting in the car, and filling up the gas tank?!?!?!?!?! Wouldn’t he notice it fall? Um. Hello?!


He walks off to the previous pump and I begin searching the car for the VANISHED iPhone while simultaneously cleaning. I’m calling, and calling, and calling his phone with no avail.

He comes back to the car angry and confused with no phone, and walks off again going inside to check with the Gas Attendant if some karma-phobe citizen dropped off a missing iPhone. Yeah. Like someone will turn in a brand new iPhone 4...

Meanwhile, the car is now spotless, and because I’ve run out of places to look I begin thinking of how much money we just wasted on this iPhone if it doesn’t turn up.

Now I’m angry.

I’m angry about his carelessness. I’m angry he never knows where anything is. I’m angry he never puts anything back where it belongs. Iʻm angry because some how he always blames me for everything. I loathe filling gas and I could almost hear him thinking, "Stupid this. Stupid that. Why couldnʻt she have just filled gas. Then I wouldnʻt have lost my phone!"

Seriously?!


Whatever.

We finally leave and while we’re driving home in furious-silence I contemplate bringing up my helpful ideas of overdosing on ginko biloba and maybe even attending some self help classes on ʻhow to take care of your shitʻ. I refrain, not wanting to beat a dead horse… But then quickly change my mind midway and throw out: “Baby, this is why you can’t have nice things!”


Silence.

A few minutes pass and he shows relief, almost excitement when he realized he recently put a special lock on his phone and that there is no way anyone would figure it out. He decided he was going to call his phone and keep calling it until [someone] maybe answered.

Persistence people. Wins every time! The Gas Attendant eventually answered the phone after maybe, oh, 20 attempts? The guy on the other end said someone dropped it off right after we had left. Huh. Look at that. Go figure.

I make a U-turn; happy and scared for what his phone might look like… having that thought again about how it really wasn't a good idea getting him a $300 iPhone...

And I'll admit.. I imagined damage--but nothing like this!!

So...


This is why my boyfriend can’t have nice things!


Since only God really knows what happened to this phone, our consensus is that whoever thought their luck was turning around by “finding” a brand new iPhone 4, was wrong.. because they couldn’t unlock the screen to even attempt to use it—or play this addictive game my boyfriend always plays; THEY SMASHED THE $300 OUT OF IT!


Epilogue: After thorough examination and testing of all aspects of the phone it was determined a new digitizer LCD combo would put this soldier back together. A very exciting diagnosis; for minor surgery on iPhones are nothing new in this family!! High five!!